The insane things my spouse says to keep me sane.

April 30, 2012 5:33 pm

Grocery Shopping: an email exchange

On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 10:50 am HUSBAND wrote:

   When you go grocery shopping today, don’t forget my milk.  I’d also like to request work sodas for me, and some sort of snackable for at work. (bags of chips, 100 cal packs, whatever.)

 Thanks so much baby.  You rock my world.

On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 10:57 am WIFE wrote:

ok. if you wanted to start a list, Id be cool with that :)


On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 11:03 am HUSBAND wrote:
No time at ALL.  I’ll try if I get a second, but the magic 8 ball says it looks doubtful.

On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 11:20 am WIFE wrote:

I want cupcakes……screw my diet.


On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 11:23 am HUSBAND wrote:

  Too bad.  We were way bad last week.

On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 11:25 am WIFE wrote:

 magic 8 ball says….eff you ;)


On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 11:28 am HUSBAND wrote:

  Hey, uncalled for.  So uncalled for YOU JUST CAN’T FACE IT

[explaination: my husband likes to say can’t face in a British accent based on a stand up routine he heard…try it…it doesn’t sound like can’t ;)]


On Mon, Apr 30, 2012 at 11:29 am HUSBAND wrote:

If you do, get me the Oreo cupcake.

I’m a terrible moral compass.


Muhahahaha cup cakes win :))

April 23, 2012 6:32 pm

A Real Email Exchange

From: Wife
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012
To: Husband
Subject: amuse me

Hi baby.

Im cranky and wanna fork people in the eye. Can you make me smile?


On Mon, Apr 23, 2012, Husband wrote:

   Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
   Caveats: NONE
   Once upon a time there was a Princess named K.
   Princess K was the fairest maiden in all the land, but that was not her curse.  No, see the fair Princess was cursed with ruling over the Kingdom of HUUURRRRRRDERRRRRRPOOP.  And the Kingdom of HUUURRRRRRDERRRRRRPOOP was, needless to say, full of dumbasses.  The poor Princess would sit in the top of the tallest tower of her castle, surrounded by all the tomes of the Kingdom (that only she would ever read) and listen to the echoing cachophany of stupidity ringing up from the streets of her Kingdom far below.
   As she read about Piaget, she’d hear “So I told her, like, YOU KNOW?!”…come drifting up on a breeze.
   As she read Sartre, she’d be interrupted by “I won’t fucks with a dude if he ain’t wearin’ Ed Hardy.”
   Finally, she’d had enough.  No more Mrs. Nice Princess.  Donning her pink sparkly combat boots, and her bright pink camo skirt and blouse, she went into the Kingdom of HUUURRRRRRDERRRRRRPOOP swinging her nerf Bat of Knowledge.
   POMPF!….And Family Guy quotes became Shakespeare sonnets
   POOPMF!….And meme-speak became classic quatrains
   One by one, the princess elightened her Kingdom with her magical bat of Knowledge.  Until the Kingdom of HUUURRRRRRDERRRRRRPOOP was no longer a fitting name.  Standing before her dazed but aware subjects, she announced “CITIZENS OF HUUURRRRRRDERRRRRRPOOP!!  I hearby announce you are now citizens of Smartypantsburg!!”
   And with that, she hopped on her trusty steed Shemar Moore, and rode off into the sunset, living happily ever after.
   Also, there were cupcakes.


True love.

April 22, 2012 11:22 am

My husband is a lucky man…

He does not like last minute things, especially requests to rake the jungle the front yard. So, I have been telling/asking /prepping him to do it for 3 weeks now & he has agreed to it. It’s a big job and we probably have 2 years of leaves there despite our feeble attempts to pay teenagers to do it. Plus, we live on a half an acre.

He even commented how I’ve found the right balance between last minute requests and nagging him. I was so proud of myself! (& FYI- last minute includes asking him Wednesday to do something Saturday since he has already planned the weekend in his head).

So why is my husband a lucky man today?

It’s effing raining.

April 21, 2012 7:12 pm

The future?

Husband: “You know when we have kids, that’s when the future happens. Holograms and hover cars. Theyre not gonna care about our lame movies. They’re gonna wanna go to the holo-theatre instead of staying home and watching Harry Potter all weekend. “

Me: “what if we have a kid in the next few years?”

Husband: “hey, we have to qualify the generational gap somehow”

5:53 pm

Honey badgers

Me: ” I’m so mad that I got into hufflepuff on Pottermore. I really wanted to be griffindor! Am I not courageous enough? “

Husband: ” You’re courageous baby, but your more loyal, trusting & smart.”

Me: “Damn it. You’re right.” H: ” And plus, hufflepuff is waaaay more fun to say”

Me: “hufflepuff. hufflepuff. Hey! You’re right! (pause) Did you know that the mascot is the badger?”

H: ” Dude! Badgers are BAD ASS! They are not to be effed with. Given a choice to fight between a pit bull and a badger, I will choose the pit bull every time. “

Me: “They did mention in the welcome to Hufflepuff letter that we lay low but when we need to fight, we will eff you up. “